One of the most incredible films I’ve seen in recent years was the documentary Man on Wire – the story of Philippe Petit’s spellbinding wire walk between the Twin Towers in New York on 7 August 1974. It had me totally engrossed and I sat in awe of Philippe’s outstanding poise and balance as well as his amazing focus and determination to achieve what he wanted.
I have often compared my life with HIV to waking up each day knowing I have to walk a mental tightrope. I have to ensure that the diagnosis doesn’t completely overwhelm me and knock me off balance. In a weird way, my diagnosis also provides me with a certain element of determination to ensure that I survive for as long as possible.
Throughout my 18 years of being positive there have been distinct times when my mental health has been severely challenged – the death of Ian (my first serious boyfriend and the man who infected me with HIV), or my first serious illness, for example. Although I have never been diagnosed with depression, I have certainly had some very low moments, even considering suicide at times.
The mental challenge of living with an illness like HIV cannot be underestimated. A UK study published last year of HIV patients at four clinics in London and one in Brighton found that 31% reported having had suicidal thoughts over the previous week. Nearly 2% (271) of the approximately 14 000 HIV-positive people who have died in the UK have taken their own lives, and the proportion of deaths due to suicide has increased in the period since effective HIV treatment became available (Sherr L et al 2008. ‘Suicidal ideation in UK HIV clinic attenders’. AIDS vol. 22 no. 13, pp 1 651-1 658).
For some people with HIV, thoughts of suicide have become actions. I still remember Eddie, a young gay man I knew who took his own life on the eve of his 21st birthday. In his suicide note, he wrote: “I find it hard to live my life, my mind constantly has bad thoughts and it frightens me being HIV positive. I am so scared of the future. I am scared of losing you, you are my life.” The sad part for me is that his partner, Peter, remains alive and well today, 15 years after Eddie took his life.
I am fortunate that despite the suicidal thoughts I have had and still do have on occasion, I know I would not take that option because to me that would be a victory for the virus and I sure as hell am not handing it to the bugger on a plate.
Thankfully I have discovered my own inner strength for those tough days when that tightrope starts to wobble and so far it has pulled me through.