I’m gearing up to getting bloods done tomorrow and then having to endure the stress before I see my consultant and get the latest results. Since returning from Australia in mid-January I have dealt with recurring niggling symptoms which I have written about before; on their own they wouldn’t be a problem but when they all come together it starts to give me cause for concern.
Inevitably I start to wonder if maybe my regime of just a boosted protease inhibitor is no longer working. Worse still if you ever ‘Google’ your symptoms you almost invariably come up with some form of cancer and then your mind can really play tricks on you. I went through this a couple of weeks ago when I experienced a few days of really not feeling right (after 18 years with HIV you do become acutely aware of how your body works) and I stupidly did the ‘Google’ search and then spent the rest of that night unable to sleep for fear of what might be going on.
My reaction to this was to rejoin my local gym on a 3 month membership and begin that exercise routine I wrote about recently. I figured if I could work out at the gym 3 or 4 times per week then there was unlikely to be anything seriously wrong with me! As it is the Easter break from school talks I have plenty of time on my hands so I have been able to get to the gym regularly and am enjoying this new found desire for exercise again. Hopefully I will be able to continue throughout the next couple of months and enjoy the benefits of feeling fitter and healthier for the summer.
When I was stressing about symptoms and blood results I began to think about whether I should consider taking someone along with me to my appointments. In all the years since I have been diagnosed this is one aspect of my life with HIV which I have always experienced alone. Perhaps if I had a partner I would have included them in these quarterly rituals but that hasn’t been the case. I am fortunate that I have a close friend who is also HIV positive and shares the same consultant with me and I am sure if I ever needed someone to accompany me he would be more than happy to do so.
It will be two weeks until I get the latest results and so I have planned a couple of weeks of activities to keep me busy and minimise the worry about the numbers! I’ll be heading back to Yorkshire Sculpture Park for three days this week followed by a visit to meet my two sisters and niece. Then next week schools return and I have two talks lined up. I hope that should be sufficient to reduce the stress but I am a creature of habit and I can guarantee I will still worry as soon as the blood is out of my arm!